Funny story of the day...

  • Funny story of the day...
    dalamar_2

    Read this on a forum last night...damn near peed my pants....

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

    18
Submitted by dalamar_2 on
Forum category
Is pro
No

d_eicholz

Sun, 03/01/2009 - 21:33

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! that fuckin made my day!

dalamar_2

Fri, 03/06/2009 - 17:33

yeah, no kidding. I'm still wiping my tears after a week... :lol:

OMG, thanks for posting this and make my day.
Nearly fell off my chair from laughing. :lol:

dalamar_2

Wed, 03/25/2009 - 23:24

On the hunt for another day-making, concetration-breaking story.

I shall be back...

dalamar_2

Thu, 04/09/2009 - 01:00

Not funny as in the first...

Funny as in: "I've a funny feeling inside... like I'm being screwed with my pants on"

Enjoy!

[b][size=18]How many zeros in a billion???[/size][/b]

This is too true to be funny...

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think aboutwhether you want the 'politicians' spending

[b]YOUR tax money[/b].

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion [b]seconds ago [/b]it was 1959.

B. A billion [b]minutes ago [/b]Jesus was alive.

C. A billion [b]hours ago [/b]our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion [b]days ago [/b]no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion [b]dollars ago [/b]was only [color=darkred][b]8 hours and 20 minutes[/b][/color], at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D),is presently asking Congress for

[b]250 BILLION DOLLARS[/b]

to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number... what does it mean?

A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans, you [b]each get $516,528[/b].

B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets [b]$1,329,787[/b].

C. Or... if you are a family of four... your family gets [b]$2,066,012[/b].

Imagine, now [b]$700 billion bailing out banks in the US[/b]. That's enough to fund [b]complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive in the US for 11 years!! [/b]

[b]50 billion [/b]to bail out the [b]auto industry[/b]???

Washington , D.C. & Ottawa, ON.

[size=18][color=red]HELLO!?!?!?![/color][/size]

Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax, Building Permit Tax, CDL License Tax, Cigarette Tax, Corporate Income Tax, Dog License Tax, Federal Income Tax, Fishing License Tax, Food License Tax, Fuel Permit Tax, Gasoline Tax, Hunting License Tax, Inheritance Tax, Inventory Tax, IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax), IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax), Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax, Marriage License Tax, Medicare Tax, Municipal Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Service charge taxes, Social Security Tax, Road Usage Tax (Truckers), Sales Taxes, Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax, State Income Tax, State Unemployment Tax (SUTA), Telephone Federal Excise Tax, Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax upon Tax, Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax, Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax, Telephone Usage Charge Tax, Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax, Vehicle Sales Tax, Watercraft Registration Tax, Welcome Tax, Well Permit Tax, Workers Compensation Tax, Income Tax, Everything Tax....

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY???

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the [b]most prosperous in the world[/b]. We had absolutely no national debt, we had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. (all right.. that last one.. I don't care for much...)

I hope this goes around the

[size=18]US & CANADA [/size]

at least 1 billion times

[quote="dalamar"]Not funny as in the first...

Funny as in: "I've a funny feeling inside... like I'm being screwed with my pants on"

Enjoy!

[b][size=18]How many zeros in a billion???[/size][/b]

This is too true to be funny...

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think aboutwhether you want the 'politicians' spending

[b]YOUR tax money[/b].

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion [b]seconds ago [/b]it was 1959.

B. A billion [b]minutes ago [/b]Jesus was alive.

C. A billion [b]hours ago [/b]our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion [b]days ago [/b]no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion [b]dollars ago [/b]was only [color=darkred][b]8 hours and 20 minutes[/b][/color], at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D),is presently asking Congress for

[b]250 BILLION DOLLARS[/b]

to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number... what does it mean?

A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans, you [b]each get $516,528[/b].

B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets [b]$1,329,787[/b].

C. Or... if you are a family of four... your family gets [b]$2,066,012[/b].

Imagine, now [b]$700 billion bailing out banks in the US[/b]. That's enough to fund [b]complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive in the US for 11 years!! [/b]

[b]50 billion [/b]to bail out the [b]auto industry[/b]???

Washington , D.C. & Ottawa, ON.

[size=18][color=red]HELLO!?!?!?![/color][/size]

Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax, Building Permit Tax, CDL License Tax, Cigarette Tax, Corporate Income Tax, Dog License Tax, Federal Income Tax, Fishing License Tax, Food License Tax, Fuel Permit Tax, Gasoline Tax, Hunting License Tax, Inheritance Tax, Inventory Tax, IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax), IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax), Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax, Marriage License Tax, Medicare Tax, Municipal Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Service charge taxes, Social Security Tax, Road Usage Tax (Truckers), Sales Taxes, Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax, State Income Tax, State Unemployment Tax (SUTA), Telephone Federal Excise Tax, Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax upon Tax, Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax, Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax, Telephone Usage Charge Tax, Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax, Vehicle Sales Tax, Watercraft Registration Tax, Welcome Tax, Well Permit Tax, Workers Compensation Tax, Income Tax, Everything Tax....

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY???

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the [b]most prosperous in the world[/b]. We had absolutely no national debt, we had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. (all right.. that last one.. I don't care for much...)

I hope this goes around the

[size=18]US & CANADA [/size]

at least 1 billion times[/quote]

can I have your permission to repost this on another forum? this is gold

dalamar_2

Wed, 04/22/2009 - 09:43

It's not mine. I got it by e-mail with no cited author.

I believe you may do whatever the heck you feel like with it.

I posted it because I thought it a little funny. It almost smelled like ultra-conservatism. I just liked the cynicism in an era where we need, more than ever, to hold our breath collectively and hold each other's hand, whatever the cost may be.

Personally, I don't mind paying high taxes because, someday, it might help you, or you, or you and you out... Why? Because [i]WE[/i] can.

stellarobson

Mon, 01/09/2023 - 05:07

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Mon, 10/23/2023 - 17:25

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Read this on a forum last night...damn near peed my pants....

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

comments

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Also want to share a cool…

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It's not mine. I got it by e-mail with no cited author.

I believe you may do whatever the heck you feel like with it.

I posted it because I thought it a little funny. It almost smelled like ultra-conservatism. I just liked the cynicism in an era where we need, more than ever, to hold our breath collectively and hold each other's hand, whatever the cost may be.

Personally, I don't mind paying high taxes because, someday, it might help you, or you, or you and you out... Why? Because [i]WE[/i] can.

[quote="dalamar"]Not funny as in the first...

Funny as in: "I've a funny feeling inside... like I'm being screwed with my pants on"

Enjoy!

[b][size=18]How many zeros in a billion???[/size][/b]

This is too true to be funny...

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think aboutwhether you want the 'politicians' spending

[b]YOUR tax money[/b].

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion [b]seconds ago [/b]it was 1959.

B. A billion [b]minutes ago [/b]Jesus was alive.

C. A billion [b]hours ago [/b]our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion [b]days ago [/b]no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion [b]dollars ago [/b]was only [color=darkred][b]8 hours and 20 minutes[/b][/color], at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D),is presently asking Congress for

[b]250 BILLION DOLLARS[/b]

to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number... what does it mean?

A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans, you [b]each get $516,528[/b].

B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets [b]$1,329,787[/b].

C. Or... if you are a family of four... your family gets [b]$2,066,012[/b].

Imagine, now [b]$700 billion bailing out banks in the US[/b]. That's enough to fund [b]complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive in the US for 11 years!! [/b]

[b]50 billion [/b]to bail out the [b]auto industry[/b]???

Washington , D.C. & Ottawa, ON.

[size=18][color=red]HELLO!?!?!?![/color][/size]

Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax, Building Permit Tax, CDL License Tax, Cigarette Tax, Corporate Income Tax, Dog License Tax, Federal Income Tax, Fishing License Tax, Food License Tax, Fuel Permit Tax, Gasoline Tax, Hunting License Tax, Inheritance Tax, Inventory Tax, IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax), IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax), Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax, Marriage License Tax, Medicare Tax, Municipal Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Service charge taxes, Social Security Tax, Road Usage Tax (Truckers), Sales Taxes, Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax, State Income Tax, State Unemployment Tax (SUTA), Telephone Federal Excise Tax, Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax upon Tax, Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax, Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax, Telephone Usage Charge Tax, Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax, Vehicle Sales Tax, Watercraft Registration Tax, Welcome Tax, Well Permit Tax, Workers Compensation Tax, Income Tax, Everything Tax....

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY???

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the [b]most prosperous in the world[/b]. We had absolutely no national debt, we had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. (all right.. that last one.. I don't care for much...)

I hope this goes around the

[size=18]US & CANADA [/size]

at least 1 billion times[/quote]

can I have your permission to repost this on another forum? this is gold

Not funny as in the first...

Funny as in: "I've a funny feeling inside... like I'm being screwed with my pants on"

Enjoy!

[b][size=18]How many zeros in a billion???[/size][/b]

This is too true to be funny...

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think aboutwhether you want the 'politicians' spending

[b]YOUR tax money[/b].

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion [b]seconds ago [/b]it was 1959.

B. A billion [b]minutes ago [/b]Jesus was alive.

C. A billion [b]hours ago [/b]our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion [b]days ago [/b]no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion [b]dollars ago [/b]was only [color=darkred][b]8 hours and 20 minutes[/b][/color], at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D),is presently asking Congress for

[b]250 BILLION DOLLARS[/b]

to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number... what does it mean?

A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans, you [b]each get $516,528[/b].

B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets [b]$1,329,787[/b].

C. Or... if you are a family of four... your family gets [b]$2,066,012[/b].

Imagine, now [b]$700 billion bailing out banks in the US[/b]. That's enough to fund [b]complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive in the US for 11 years!! [/b]

[b]50 billion [/b]to bail out the [b]auto industry[/b]???

Washington , D.C. & Ottawa, ON.

[size=18][color=red]HELLO!?!?!?![/color][/size]

Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax, Building Permit Tax, CDL License Tax, Cigarette Tax, Corporate Income Tax, Dog License Tax, Federal Income Tax, Fishing License Tax, Food License Tax, Fuel Permit Tax, Gasoline Tax, Hunting License Tax, Inheritance Tax, Inventory Tax, IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax), IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax), Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax, Marriage License Tax, Medicare Tax, Municipal Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Service charge taxes, Social Security Tax, Road Usage Tax (Truckers), Sales Taxes, Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax, State Income Tax, State Unemployment Tax (SUTA), Telephone Federal Excise Tax, Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax upon Tax, Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax, Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax, Telephone Usage Charge Tax, Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax, Vehicle Sales Tax, Watercraft Registration Tax, Welcome Tax, Well Permit Tax, Workers Compensation Tax, Income Tax, Everything Tax....

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY???

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the [b]most prosperous in the world[/b]. We had absolutely no national debt, we had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. (all right.. that last one.. I don't care for much...)

I hope this goes around the

[size=18]US & CANADA [/size]

at least 1 billion times

On the hunt for another day-making, concetration-breaking story.

I shall be back...

OMG, thanks for posting this and make my day.
Nearly fell off my chair from laughing. :lol:

yeah, no kidding. I'm still wiping my tears after a week... :lol:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! that fuckin made my day!

LMFAO